Month: May 2009

as i listened to some GnR last night, i remembered reading this…

by John Voe from McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.

Mr. Axl Rose:
We Did Not Feel Welcome
in the Jungle.

– – – –

Dear Mr. Rose,

I am writing on behalf of my wife, Thelma, and myself to demand a full refund of the $6,500 paid for our recent “Welcome to the Jungle” safari. I know you sensed our unhappiness during the trip, but I bet you wondered if we’d actually demand our money back. Oh, yes, we certainly are, mister. You bet we are.

I must admit we had our doubts when we first signed up. But the price was dramatically lower than any other safari we looked into and, since we’re seniors on a fixed income, we figured this would be our best chance to see rhinos and the like. You and your colleagues, particularly Mr. Slash, were cagey about where specifically we’d be traveling. Thelma says she thinks some of the assistant tour guides might even have been on the drugs. You might want to look into that.

Just as I did at the time, I object to your blindfolding us for the entire trip to Africa. It was uncomfortable and frightening. After looking into it and calling some other tour companies, I’ve learned that you were wrong about everyone doing it that way. In fact, nobody does it that way, Mr. Rose. Nobody!

The trip was a disaster from almost the beginning. True, you welcomed us to the jungle. And that was hospitable. And right off the bat you promised fun and games. But there were never any fun and games! Would it have been so hard to put together a bingo or a quick trivia thing? Then you promised that you and the other fellows could find whatever we might need. Well, we needed food and somewhere to lie down for a while. And all you offered was some stale pretzels and an old futon. Your offer to somehow acquire new diseases in exchange for extra money was very unsettling. I don’t know if that’s what the kids do these days, catch new diseases for fun, but that’s not our idea of a good time! If anything, we were going to need extra medicine, not diseases.

Thelma and I thought right then that we should try to get out of there, but we didn’t know how to get around in the jungles of Africa. You were all we had, Mr. Rose! Well, we should have just left anyway. Any encounter with a hippo or lion or monkey would have been better than staying with you. Your “learn to live like an animal” program was very hard on Thelma and me. And painful. I still don’t understand why, if we were really in the jungle, we couldn’t just see real animals instead of having to live like them. Also, I love my wife very much, Mr. Rose, but she is not “a very sexy girl.” She is an elderly woman! And I don’t think she is very hard to please; she just wants a pleasant vacation and some water occasionally.

Of course, then things got out of hand. All that business about us getting on our knees? Why, Mr. Rose? And why were you saying you were going to make us bleed? That was horrible! And I absolutely can’t imagine why you would tell people in the jungle that they’re going to die! That was mean and frightening! And through it all you kept saying, “Welcome to the jungle.” Screaming it, really. But, frankly, I came to doubt your sincerity. I don’t think you were really welcoming us at all. It was like you were trying to threaten and seduce us at the same time. That’s not welcoming, and that’s not what we signed up for, Mr. Rose!

One more thing: We have shown pictures of our safari to friends and relatives back here in Minnesota. And they think we were never in the jungle at all but rather in Los Angeles the whole time! It’s not just the lack of animals (how could they all be sleeping, Mr. Rose?) that makes people think this; it’s all the buildings, the cars with California license plates, and the people at the Whiskey-A-Go-Go nightclub. We suspect that those weren’t native people dancing to tribal music, as you claimed, but “heavy-metal supporters” at a “rock show.”

Please send us a full refund immediately. My best to Mr. Stradlin, Mr. Slash, Mr. McKagan, and Mr. Adler.

William Brownstone
Fergus Falls, MN

i love Christopher Walken…

i think he an amazing actor.  his timing, his voice, his mannerisms all impress me.  he’s also CRAZY, which always makes for an interesting mix.  i tend to like eccentricities in people.  i think Chris and i would have a good time out on the town.

so… is my tribute on here to all things Christopher Walken.


first up his amazing work as a dancer.

next, some  acting.  this was tough as Walken is penchant to take roles that require many F-bombs

and some pure craziness from The Prophecy

Walken reading a fairy tale…(he obviously borrowed his sweater from Clif Huxtable)

i couldn’t possibly leave this out…

lots of people do Walken impressions, but Kevin Pollack’s might be the best.  i like Amy Poehler’s too, but couldn’t find it.

and finally one of my favorite Walken things.  you can hear him saying this.



– – – –

Good afternoon, sir. No, I’m not looking for anything in particular, just admiring your fine array of Scarface apparel. You know, until I was walking up here, I had no idea Scarface had become so popular again. Shirts, wristbands, hats, boxers—this is just incredible. It’s almost as if Tony Montana were being deified. I think that Scarface could possibly be the next new fad religion … Oh, no, sir, actually it’s entirely possible for this to be a religion; you just have to look at things objectively here. Objectivity can make anything possible. OK, hear me out, and I was totally just thinking about this yesterday … All right … so take all religions and define them as someone’s Ultimate Reality—Ultimate Reality being the absolute nature of all things.

By that cross around your neck large enough to hold the actual Christ on it, I can see that Christianity is the absolute nature of all things to you. You devote yourself weekly to church and worship something you believe is the most important thing in your life, right? Something that you believe is bigger than you, your wife, and your job. What makes that any different from, say, I don’t know, football? Don’t act like you don’t know people who would step over the dead raped carcass of their spouse to watch particular sports … Anyway … Please don’t get angry, sir. I’m not trying to insult your religious practices by making unpleasant comparisons; I’m just being objective for the sake of proving my point that Scarface can be the next fad religion. People devotionally watch Scarface; they don apparel so the public knows they are fans. They consistently try to emulate its lead character. How is that any different from the basic structure of any other religion? Do you see what I’m saying? Stop being angry! I’m just trying to have a friendly conversa— Hey, how much is that painting of the Last Supper with Biggie Smalls over there?

so i ran across this song the other day…

as i was listening to Ben Folds.

this song is such a truthful song.  there is a great debate on blogs about “offensive” language and it’s use in authenticity.  this song has some “explicit” language which i will edit.  you will know what the words are,  and i can say that i get what Ben is trying to say when he uses the words.  i love to shock people into action.  i don’t always like to offend them, plus i think some kids read my blog.  i have to look past language and topic at times to see the truth in something.  i think Ben hits consumerism right between the eyes.


All You Can Eat by Ben Folds

Son look at all the people in this restaurant
What d’you think they weigh?
And out the window to the parking lot
At their SUVs taking all of the space

They give no f*%#
They talk as loud as they want
They give no f*%#
Just as long as there’s enough for them

Gotta get on the microphone down at wallmart
Talk about some s*%#  that’s been on my mind
Talk about the state of this great of this nation of ours
Poeple look to your left, yeah look to your right

They give no f*%#
They buy as much as they want
They give no f*%#
Just as long as there’s enough for them

Son look at the people lining up for plastic
Wouldn’t you like to see them in the national geographic?
Squatting bare-assed in the dirt eating rice from a bowl
With a towel on their head and maybe a bone in their nose
See that a**hole with a peace-sign on his licence plate
Giving me the finger and running me out of his lane

God made us number one because he loves us the best
Well maybe He should go bless someone else for a while, give us a rest
[They give no…]
Yeah and everyone can see
[They give no…]
We’ve eaten all that we can eat