Month: August 2012

when did i lose the fact…

…that God delights in me?

it’s funny, because i was pondering this morning. there are things i know to be true.  i mean i KNOW them. i can say them. i can find them in scripture. i can share them with others. i can believe them for others.

but i can’t believe them for me. i don’t know why, but i have a hard time believing God is for me…

i know that He is, but my knowledge about that just doesn’t sink in. i know my circumstances have nothing to do with my worth. i know that regardless of how i feel, He is still in control and still loves me and wants the best for me.

so why do i feel as if He isn’t going to show up? i think maybe it’s because He doesn’t work the way i think He should work. He is trying to teach me things that i DON’T know. i guess sometimes i just don’t feel worthy of His love, and that leads to my worry that i haven’t performed well enough to warrant His approval.  and that, my friends, is weird because it flies in the face of everything that i believe about grace.

so i guess my question is, why is this so hard? why is it such a struggle for me to let go of this stress and worry and just accept the grace? to stop trying to perform and gain approval and just be a child? i wish i could pinpoint it or find the source, but i can’t seem to nail that down. maybe that’s it.

i guess that’s why it frustrates me so. i know the answers, yet i can’t take the test.

so today, i’m going to believe that He does delight in me.  that like it says in Zephaniah 3:17 that He rejoices over me with singing. i know how happy i am when i sing.  it brings me great joy. so i’m going to picture God singing with the joy that i feel, and that He feels it over you and over me.

a thought…

do you need to forgive someone? or do you need to be forgiven?

this has been on my heart lately. we’re really good at holding grudges against others and ourselves. we may not even realize it, but it bubbles up as bitterness. cut that root. find the good. forgive as you’ve been forgiven.


i get to preach for a buddy on Sunday

i’m excited and nervous.  i haven’t spoken in a while.

i’m going to talk about forgiveness.  as i was studying last night i came across this thought by Mark Gungor.

“if you’re still talking about what the person did to you, you haven’t forgiven them.”

that punched me in the gut.

i like to talk about how i was wronged. i want people to feel sorry for me. that’s wrong. i need and have to forgive.

my story should only be shared with those who need the same kind of healing i am experiencing.

so forgive me for being unforgiving. i will hush now and i will forgive.

too hurt…








in conversations over the past few weeks, i’ve had people tell me that i’m hurt deeply.  some of these people have known me for a while, some of these people are new to my life, and some have been acquaintances but have just been recently made aware of my story.  while i am thankful that people can identify with my story, unless they have walked with me from the beginning of the hurt, they have no idea how far i’ve come. a select few people who God placed in my life to walk through me with this would be the first to tell you how much different i am.  warranted, i have bad days. i have days where i go back to the wound because it’s a known place.  there are times when i will talk about what happened in a very negative light, and then ten minutes later, i will capture that and move on.  we all have bad days. even me.

what prompted me to write this post is a few interactions i had with people. it’s no secret that i love to be heavily involved with church and ministry.  i long to minister again not because it does anything for me, but because i’m called to it and the gifts and callings of God are irrevocable. i’m rambling, back to my point.  i had people tell me that i was too hurt or damaged to effectively minister to people….

now, i want to take a step back and see the truth in that.  i have been hurt. not just through the ending of my marriage, but a 5 year ordeal of the enemy with his boot on my throat kindof hurt.  every turn, every decision under attack.

listen friends, and listen close. I KNOW that satan does not want me to do anything remotely connected with God’s kingdom because he has attempted to take me out time and time again.   i mean if our pastors and church leaders have to be pain and hurt free to minister to pained, hurting people, then who is gonna be able to do that?  i don’t know anyone who is qualified, well anyone who is honest about their hurt.  if you are going to be effective for the kingdom, you WILL be attacked, just get ready.  and it sucks.  it sucks hard. it is some of the most intense pain that i have ever experienced, but God NEVER wastes a wound.  Romans 8:28 says it.

28 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

that’s everything, not some things, not what He picks and chooses.  EVERYTHING!

now i’m not bashing anyone.  i know people are well meaning and have my best interests at heart.  i totally get that, but you are looking at this situation as i exit the tunnel.  yeah, there is still gonna be some junk on me, thank God, He’s still working to clean me up, but I will not back down or shirk from the calling He has given me.

so know that your leaders are not perfect, they struggle, they strive.  they get ugly emails every day from people who let their preferences get in the way of the reconciling work of Jesus Christ and guess what… HURTS. but they keep going because of the call. they keep going because of the hurt. they keep going because it’s what they were meant to do.

so don’t tell me that i’m too hurt to minister to people.  it’s because of the hurt that i am able to.