when did i lose the fact…

…that God delights in me?

it’s funny, because i was pondering this morning. there are things i know to be true.  i mean i KNOW them. i can say them. i can find them in scripture. i can share them with others. i can believe them for others.

but i can’t believe them for me. i don’t know why, but i have a hard time believing God is for me…

i know that He is, but my knowledge about that just doesn’t sink in. i know my circumstances have nothing to do with my worth. i know that regardless of how i feel, He is still in control and still loves me and wants the best for me.

so why do i feel as if He isn’t going to show up? i think maybe it’s because He doesn’t work the way i think He should work. He is trying to teach me things that i DON’T know. i guess sometimes i just don’t feel worthy of His love, and that leads to my worry that i haven’t performed well enough to warrant His approval.  and that, my friends, is weird because it flies in the face of everything that i believe about grace.

so i guess my question is, why is this so hard? why is it such a struggle for me to let go of this stress and worry and just accept the grace? to stop trying to perform and gain approval and just be a child? i wish i could pinpoint it or find the source, but i can’t seem to nail that down. maybe that’s it.

i guess that’s why it frustrates me so. i know the answers, yet i can’t take the test.

so today, i’m going to believe that He does delight in me.  that like it says in Zephaniah 3:17 that He rejoices over me with singing. i know how happy i am when i sing.  it brings me great joy. so i’m going to picture God singing with the joy that i feel, and that He feels it over you and over me.


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