i’ve been thinking a lot about that.
there have been many instances of rejection in my life and especially the last few weeks. one of the things i’m really good at was shot down and not recognized. i’ve seen some rejection in relationships that i wanted to work, and i’ve just felt an overall sense of rejection from lots of forces in my life.
i used to always say that i’d rather you hate me for who i really am than have you like me for someone that i’m not.
but i can’t fundamentally change who i am, so i lie. i exchange who i am for approval. i try to be all things to all people. i try to morph who i am to fit who they want me to be because i would rather not be myself than let people down or have them reject me. the feeling is overwhelming and it is depressing.
i realized how foolish that was this week when i panicked over a few situations where rejection was just inevitable. i was willing to trade who i am for an outcome.
why the fear. why am i afraid of what people who i don’t even know or who have no investment in my life think?
i used to think that i was afraid of rejection coupled with betrayal. that is where the greatest hurts in my life have come from. but as of late, i’m so afraid of being discarded that i shut down the real me.
Galatians 1:10 says
Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.
so i have the wrong goal. my goal has been not to be rejected. to win approval, but my goal should be to be Christ’s servant.
there is this deep longing in my heart, a holy discontent with who i have become. i know Christ has so much more for me and i can’t seem to grasp it. it seems distant and out of reach, but that is not how our God operates. He doesn’t dangle a carrot out in front of us that we can never get. He also approves of me. He redeemed me. He loves me. He will never leave or reject me.
so my prayer is that i would shift my focus away from pleasing others, and pleasing myself (that’s a whole other post) and move towards pleasing Him. doing what He has already told me to do and living in a bold faith to believe what He has already made me to be.