last night i went to hang out with my acting friends at Gateway Church. it’s a little “drama club”. we do scene studies and monologues. it’s a good place to go and get critiqued on your work and just generally a hotspot of creativity. i went last night to help brainstorm some writing, and to have them chop my monologue that i’m doing for an audition i have today.
we were brainstorming a certain idea, and i came to a realization…
i’ve been a victim far too long. or at least i’ve played that role really well. there are things about my circumstances that i can blame on other factors, but at the end of the day, the reason that i’m in the situation that i’m in is due to choices that i have made.
my financial problems may have started with the divorce, but i’m the one who wasn’t a good manager of money after that. my relational issues may have started way back, but my pattern of pride has exacerbated many of those problems.
i just had this realization last night that i’ve been searching for this “change”, and yet i’ve been making excuses because of outside factors. i can quote all the bible verses in the world, and read all of the greatest advice from all of the most godly people, but until i purpose in my heart to change and take responsibility for my contributions to the turmoil, that transformation will not come.
so i’m here to tell you.
it’s me. it’s me who overspent and overspends. it’s me who is graceless and unforgiving. it’s me who is prideful and angry. it’s me.
but guess what? in the same breath, that is not me because i serve a gracious and glorious Savior who is bringing my wants under control. who is teaching me to have mercy and grace. who is walking me through humility and peace. because i want to be like Him.
because i refuse to be the victim anymore.