Chuck Harris

too hurt…


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

in conversations over the past few weeks, i’ve had people tell me that i’m hurt deeply.  some of these people have known me for a while, some of these people are new to my life, and some have been acquaintances but have just been recently made aware of my story.  while i am thankful that people can identify with my story, unless they have walked with me from the beginning of the hurt, they have no idea how far i’ve come. a select few people who God placed in my life to walk through me with this would be the first to tell you how much different i am.  warranted, i have bad days. i have days where i go back to the wound because it’s a known place.  there are times when i will talk about what happened in a very negative light, and then ten minutes later, i will capture that and move on.  we all have bad days. even me.

what prompted me to write this post is a few interactions i had with people. it’s no secret that i love to be heavily involved with church and ministry.  i long to minister again not because it does anything for me, but because i’m called to it and the gifts and callings of God are irrevocable. i’m rambling, back to my point.  i had people tell me that i was too hurt or damaged to effectively minister to people….

now, i want to take a step back and see the truth in that.  i have been hurt. not just through the ending of my marriage, but a 5 year ordeal of the enemy with his boot on my throat kindof hurt.  every turn, every decision under attack.

listen friends, and listen close. I KNOW that satan does not want me to do anything remotely connected with God’s kingdom because he has attempted to take me out time and time again.   i mean if our pastors and church leaders have to be pain and hurt free to minister to pained, hurting people, then who is gonna be able to do that?  i don’t know anyone who is qualified, well anyone who is honest about their hurt.  if you are going to be effective for the kingdom, you WILL be attacked, just get ready.  and it sucks.  it sucks hard. it is some of the most intense pain that i have ever experienced, but God NEVER wastes a wound.  Romans 8:28 says it.

28 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

that’s everything, not some things, not what He picks and chooses.  EVERYTHING!

now i’m not bashing anyone.  i know people are well meaning and have my best interests at heart.  i totally get that, but you are looking at this situation as i exit the tunnel.  yeah, there is still gonna be some junk on me, thank God, He’s still working to clean me up, but I will not back down or shirk from the calling He has given me.

so know that your leaders are not perfect, they struggle, they strive.  they get ugly emails every day from people who let their preferences get in the way of the reconciling work of Jesus Christ and guess what…..it HURTS. but they keep going because of the call. they keep going because of the hurt. they keep going because it’s what they were meant to do.

so don’t tell me that i’m too hurt to minister to people.  it’s because of the hurt that i am able to.

how valuable is your time?


fleeting moments-Chuck Harris: June 2011

time…

our most precious commodity

we can’t produce more…when it expires, it’s fleeting moments are gone forever

have i made the most of the seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years that have been ordained for me?

have i routinely squandered this most treasured of assets?

truly time is a gift given as a daily allotment

one moment moves to the next and if we regularly miss those moments, they are wasted time

there are many riches that can be lost and regained, but time can never be recreated

so let us make the most of time because the days are short

questioning joy…


really….joy?-Chuck Harris: June 2011

finding joy.

is joy a treasure that we search and dig for like precious metals and stones?

or is it like oxygen that floats freely in the atmosphere and is readily available to all who will just inhale?

as i read, i see those who experience complete joy didn’t walk the easiest path

in fact, their treks were dangerous leading to injury and even death

yet they continue to count this joy

like some sort of twisted currency with an outrageous exchange rate

no matter what overwhelms them they continue the quest, they count it ALL joy

and why?

so that in Him, my joy can be made complete

color my world


palette-Chuck Harris: June 2011

what is it that colors your world?

is it a philosophy? a belief? a system?

or is it something else?

do you view the world through a lens foggy and tinted or clearly through pristine glass?

is your view pixelated from what you’ve been taught or told?

or have you done the exploratory work of digging into wisdom yourself and created your own scheme?

do you trust and/or adhere to the views of others or do you stand alone on the vista surveying the vast expanse of life as you know it?

what adds to your art? music? literature? politics? religion?

do you only like the colors that speak to you, or would you be willing to look at something you consider brash or boring?

what are the hues you create with as you paint on the canvas of your journey?

what crayons are in your box? what paints are on your palette?

 

what comes out of your mouth?


speak-Chuck Harris: June 2011

words!

they’re like little nuggets

they can be like gold or even drip out as diamonds

or they can be like a cancer

a destructive tumor that does nothing but eat away at what is healthy

we often spit them out as soon as they come to mind

never turning over in our mouth the hand grenade that we unleash to blow up and fragment fragile souls and hearts

they pass our teeth and exit our lips

they depart from the tip of our tongue and we can never take them back

words can bring moments of healing and wisdom or they can be curses that destroy and devastate the target at which they are aimed

yet….

i continue to open my mouth when maybe i should cover it with both of my hands.

one more for today…


from a better place.

the good-Chuck Harris: June 2011

i want to write about the good things

i’m searching for the good. i want to run after the good.

what is really good?

the good is hearing my sister’s laugh after many years of sadness

the good is tears of joy wept as i realize truth in the words i hear or read

the good is a hug and a kiss from my children

the good is hearing a song for the first time that touches a place deep in the recesses of the heart

the good is singing loudly, hopefully, beautifully!

the good is realizing that someday, somehow, somewhere, someone will see something in me that they will love even when the real me comes out

the good is what keeps me going

lament…


yes, i’m in a very honest mode right now as i write. i’m searching for a glimpse of something to spark my heart.

a psalm of lament-Chuck Harris: June 2011

how long?

how long must this trial continue? is it much longer?

could you please possibly give me a time frame so i know how long i’ll need to hold on?

i mean, if it’s not too much to ask?

i’m just being honest, i want to know if there is an end

i guess i’ll make due if there isn’t, but just to know

i’d like to know

i want to be in the light

the light that bathes the end of this dark passage of life

a bit of refuge in the bright sun of Your love before the next tunnel

i know this passage is difficult and necessary, but occasionally

just that little nudge of Your hand on the small of my back moving me towards the brightness

toward You

toward the space in between the dark labyrinths

how long?

some more thoughts…


wow, i’ve really been writing quite a bit lately.

a psalm of sorts-Chuck Harris: June 2011

so how long does pain last?

when will you say, “that’s enough”?

are we ever free from it, or are we continually in a state of wounding and healing?

is it perpetual?

wounded…healed…scarred?

wounded again…healed again…more scars?

are the battle wounds we bear a badge of courage or bandages of bondage?

will i ever not be impacted, overwhelmed and destroyed by pain?

just as soon as i get back on my feet from the last disaster, another storm strikes

i long for the relief, for the end of the strife

can you bring the remedy to heal this wounded life?

another poem of sorts…


thinking these may be better in a spoken word context.

what are you afraid of?-Chuck Harris: June 2011

RISK!

do i know how to do that anymore?

or do i crave the ludicracy of safety that’s not even promised

nothing is promised, but i like the illusion

the illusion that i might have control of it all

so i crave the safe, fake reality when what is real doesn’t even enter in

what is real? i can’t imagine

i can’t see

i can’t believe

real things that i actually long for will never happen, or so i think….

but then….

i catch a glimpse of life….life more lived

not a life that is crippled by control and fear

i wonder what it would be like to begin being again

to not just be doing, but to live….really live life

to have a story….to create anew…to live in the moment

to do what i need to be….

to RISK!

felt good to write….


Chains-Chuck Harris: June 2011

is it painful to continue to walk around in these chains?

do they chafe my ankles and wrists enough that i long for them to be gone?

or do they bring some modicum of comfort?

do i continue to allow them to bind me because i’m used to them?

because i can’t imagine life without them, or is it something else?

truly the only reason they’re still clasped to my appendages is because i continue to clamp them back on.

i pick them up. i turn the key. the key i still hold in my hand.

my freedom i hold, but i can’t seem to put it in the lock and let them fall.

they’ve become a part of my comfort.

but am i really comfortable, or am i just afraid?