why God?

conversations started early this morning. i love my friends and the fact that they ask me questions and that our faith is one thing we talk about often. i think in my late 20’s and early 30’s, it wasn’t ok to question God or have doubts. at least that’s what i thought, but as i read the psalms, i get this overwhelming feeling that David had lots of questions for God and that he often wondered why.

it got me thinking about a couple of songs this morning. both of them by an artist that i’ve always loved, Chris Rice.


Questions for Heaven-Chris Rice


…Now my cranium swims
With questions I can’t wait to ask You


…Like why did You bother with so many stars?
Do You ever play tricks on the angels?
And what happened to all of those dinosaurs?
Where’s the Garden of Eden?
And what causes de ja vu?


I guess in Heaven I’ll learn
I’ll be waiting my turn
To ask about quasars and feathers
I hope the line isn’t long
I hope Your patience is strong
It’s a good thing forever’s forever


Do our jokes make You laugh?
What’s Your favorite cartoon?
Can you tell me what’s out past the edges?
And what about UFOs, taste buds, and tornados?
Why do we dream?
Oh, and what causes de ja vu?

now don’t get me wrong i love that. i think it is childlike and wonderful. it’s a positive song that a very creative writer crafted to be whimsical and wonderful.

but those aren’t the questions i’m thinking of.

why did You allow my family to be torn apart? what am i supposed to do with my life? why do i feel like a failure? why can’t i make enough money for my bills? why am i lonely? what did i do to deserve these things? why can’t i seem to follow You? why can’t i feel like i can trust You?

i guess i know all of the answers to those questions. He wants to form me and He wants me to trust Him, but just occasionally, i’d love to hear it from Him. 

maybe i’m not listening like i should be, or maybe i’m just angry. maybe there is sin in my life that holds me back. i want to listen. i want to be joyful. i want the sin to be gone. 

i want to run to the Father, but it seems like i just often spin my wheels in this mud.

which brings me to the second Chris Rice song that the questions brought to mind. i love this song, because it does admit to the mystery.

Big Enough-Chris Rice


None of us knows and that makes it a mystery
If life is a comedy, then why all the tragedy
Three-and-a-half pounds of brain try to figure out
What this world is all about
And is there an eternity, is there an eternity?


God if You’re there I wish You’d show me
And God if You care then I need You to know me
I hope You don’t mind me askin’ the questions
But I figure You’re big enough
I figure You’re big enough


Lying on pillows we’re haunted and half-awake
Does anyone hear us pray, “If I die before I wake”
Then the morning comes and the mirror’s the other place
Where we wrestle face to face with the image of Deity
The image of Deity


God if You’re there I wish You’d show me
And God if You care then I need You to know me
I hope You don’t mind me askin’ the questions
But I figure You’re big enough
I figure You’re big enough


When I imagine the size of the universe
And I wonder what’s out past the edges
Then I discover inside me a space as big
And believe that I’m meant to be
Filled up with more than just questions


So, God if You’re there I wish You’d show me
And God if You care then I need You to know me
I hope You don’t mind me askin’ the questions
But I figure You’re big enough
I figure You’re big enough
‘Cause I am not big enough


so what questions do you have? do you believe He is big enough? it’s a struggle. i want to believe it, but sometimes i just ask those questions, and i want answers. i pray that they are His answers and not just what i want to hear.


why i write in lower case…

when i started blogging, i wanted to have a “style”. i wanted to write well, but i wanted to do something a little different.

i’ve always admired the work of e.e. cummings(he’s actually my favorite poet, i bought his complete works a few years back). his orthography of not using capitalization or periods has always intrigued me. he’s quite a controversial poet who refused to back down from the subjects he wrote about.  even though he used avant-garde style, his forms were traditional in a sense. he was a master of syntax and many of his poems are actually sonnets.

Critic Edmund Wilson once commented “Mr. Cummings’s eccentric punctuation is, also, I believe, a symptom of his immaturity as an artist. It is not merely a question of an unconventional usage: unconventional punctuation may very well gain its effect… the really serious case against Mr. Cummings’s punctuation is that the results which it yields are ugly. His poems on the page are hideous.” 

to me, that means Mr. Wilson just didn’t understand. he probably didn’t want to spend the time to labor over the beautiful words and tricky word play that makes cummings so wonderful to me.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                            i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

From “i carry your heart with me(i carry it in” (1920) 
so that’s why i write in all lower case. it’s different and it’s an homage to one of my favorite poets. i do use punctuation, but only because i value the “pause”.
i’ll leave you with a few of my favorite cummings quotes.
“always the beautiful answer who asks a more beautiful question.”
“America makes prodigious mistakes, America has colossal faults, but one thing cannot be denied: America is always on the move. She may be going to hell, of course, but at least she isn’t standing still.”
“be of love a little more careful than of anything”

“humanity i love you because when you’re hard up you pawn your intelligence to buy a drink”

“nothing measurable matters”